Explaining Canada
by 1000kittyjones
Summary: So this is basically based off a conversation a friend and I had. How would you explain your world to the Dwarves. This follows no direct story line. It's just a group of short little anecdotal stories. Well here goes nothing. Fili, Kili, Oin, Gloin, Thorin Oakenshield, Dwalin, Balin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Dori, Nori, and Ori
1. Interwebs

How to explain technology to Dwarves.

"What is the interwebs?" Someone from the group of males behind me had asked. Go figure mentioning something to a friend that was from the same time and space I was, would eventually lead to questions.

"Well… It's something from where I'm from" I respond with a sweet smile. How can I explain to group of dwarves, who's society was closer to the Anglo-Saxon era of your "world" than the modern one that I, well used to live in. Better yet, how do can you explain that you have a vast wealth of information at your fingertips, and you use it to look at cats, and get into arguments with random strangers?

"But WHAT is it?" Bofur asked leaning closer to my face than I would have liked.

"Well it's a type of technology that we have" I smiled wearily. Every time I opened my mouth it led to an explanation. "It's much like a huge library and letters all rolled into one" I say hesitantly. "I can learn, read, and write to friends, and can share portraits." This wasn't going as well as I would have liked. "It's also called the world wide web."

"Web… as in spiders?" Kili, the youngest, and definitely Captain obvious of group asked.

"No, but if you think of a spider web, there's a type of thread that connects all this information so we can share it"

"Why can a thread carry information? That's foolish" Dori scoffed from behind, Jackson definitely didn't prepare me for his attitude.

"It's an analogy." I sighed felt I like wanted to face palm. This was only the beginning. Of course my stupid friend over there was snickering at my misfortune.


	2. Cars

Car

"This would be so much easier if we could have just drove to Erbor." I muttered to myself. "Cars don't get scared by Trolls." Speaking of trolls, I was STILL covered in Troll snot.

"I wouldn't complain they're creatures too," Fili spoke up, patting my shoulder as we walked into Rivendell.

"And _what _exactly were you two idiots doing when giant TROLLS walked off with ponies?" I ask turning onto the second youngest. "This is your fault."

"What's a car?" Ori asked behind me. Here we go again. Why couldn't I learn to keep my mouth shut?

"It's a wagon that moves on its own. Doesn't need horses to pull it along and it can move over 50 Km/hour " If I had to explain anything to anyone, I don't mind it being Ori. He's a bit your best friends kid brother. You tell him something and he is instantly amazed. "We'd have been there by now, and someone wouldn't have almost made us troll food because he doesn't want to admit Gandalf is wiser than him." I sighed pointing the Thorin, receiving a dark look from the would-be king. We dislike each other immensely.

"I can't wait to be clean" I sighed looking down at my clothing. Troll snot. Gross.


	3. Accents

Accents.

"Why do yah talk so funny?" Kili asked once I tried to finish explaining how I ended up with the tolls.

"Excuse me?" I asked raising an eyebrow. I do not TALK funny. Perhaps I have a maritime 'accent' but it was nowhere near that bad. People could understand what I say.

"Your voice, sounds different." He said after a while" Like nothing I've ever heard before"

"It's rude to ask" I grumbled before resigning myself to my first explaination" I talk funny because I'm from Canada."

"Canada?" Dwalin asked "Where in middle earth is that?" The older Dwarf asked. So he finally got someone's foot out of his back.

"In respects to here, no idea" I sighed shaking my head.

"What's it like?" Ori asked getting far too close to me for my personal comfort.

"Well, it snows… a lot. " I thought "Like most times, it's either really cold, or really snowy."I smiled as I moved to stretch out my back, landing on a rock was never fun

"Then why are you dressed like _that_ if it is so cold?" Thorin grumbled. If he had to be any of the seven dwarfs and I Snow, he would be grumpy. "It's doesn't look very warm" Yes. Definitely grumpy!

"because it's warm in the house" I sighed shooting him a dirty look " It's not like I live in an igloo."

"Igloo?" Bofur asked looking at me curiously

"A house made of ice" I smiled softly, Bofur was such a sweetie.

"So people actually live in it?" Kili asked stupidly. Seriously, I could have fun with this one.

"Yup. And everything we own is made by ice. All the furniture." I grinned wickedly. He looked at me confused.

"Whatdo they do in the summer?" He asked curiously.

"Oh then we build a house out of the mud" I tried to hold back a snicker. And he looked at me so amazed. After a few minutes I decided to stop joking "And did you know that the world gullible isn't in the dictionary?" I asked, and giggle coming from my friend.

" What's a dictionary?" Fili spoked up. This was the one time I actually smacked my own forehead. Oi!


	4. Fanfictionshipping

Fanfiction/shipping

This is dedicated to Life is like a Potato for being awesome sauce! ~ It's better than apple sauce, also Peter-the-otaku, who is the inspirtation for most of this. Names have been changed to protect identities :D interwebs is a scary place.

"You know what I don't get, Thrilbo. Or Fili/Kili/Thorin fics." Katie (the friend now has a name YAY) sighed walking beside me. Sometimes, she didn't know when to not open her mouth.

"Fili, Kili, and I what?" Thorin asked leaning much closer to my face that I would have liked. I couldn't help but curse my shortness. Katie was snickering beside me. I shot her an 'I see what you did there look' and backed up a bit.

" Fanfics, or fanfiction are tales written overzealous people who love already told tales, and incorporate new tales, and ideas to make it their own. Sorta." I paused looking at the man. How to explain Thrilbo? I not against, but it's not something I would read. Fili/Kili, or any other slash is not my thing.

"This is obsured" He growled "We don't have a tale yet worth being told." Well Thorin did, but as a group they did not. Now I'm stuck in a worm hole, how do I explain that I know this jerk who's still in my face dies.

"Well, there's a book, I've only read til here "I lied quickly "So I don't really know what happens, but it's apparently worth telling." I sighed before pushing him back with my finger. "So people write these stories about it! They're own twists to it!"

"So they make new storied about us?" He asked sceptically.

"Yes, and they make you have romantic relations with just about every member of your company. Including your nephews! Which I don't get" Katie grinned before running off on me! Memo to, kill her if I survive this. I think she's here to make my life difficult; some spiritual being somewhere is having a laugh at my expense me!

The change in the would-be king's face was very obvious. It went from stunned, to confused, to absolute disgust in a matter of seconds." Who are these people?" He asked with a menacing glare.

"Dude don't take it out on me, I don't write or read it!" I threw my hands in the air. "They're mostly women the write it, it's a forbidden love thing" I tried to explain. "I don't know why people would write I, You're related, I don't get it! This is an Anglo-Saxon type era, it's against everything you believe in" I sighed exasperated. "It's the internet, it's meant to remain anonymous "

"I dislike this… internet" He declared in a booming voice, "And you will no longer discuss this fanfiction." He growled before walking off to talk to Elrond and do the whole sword thing. Well that went better than expecting.

"So what's the funniest thing you read then, if you don't read the forbidden love ones?" Balin asked curiously. It seemed Balin was definitely my favorite.

" The 20 rules of Thorin and Company" I laughed "It seems to still apply!" I grinned before throwing and apple in the air " Kili! Shoot it!" I smirked as the archer did what he was told.

"It's dead, now what was the point of that?" Bilbo asked.

"I don't know why the hobbit asks so many questions" I laughed. I think I was the only one get the joke.

There is it done. For your pleasure  art/20-Rules-of-Thorin-and-Company-351430788 there are the rules.

Also I do not hate any of you Shippers who do thrilbo or anything else, I just simply don't get it. You may enjoy it and read it, but for my purposes. It doesn't exist in my fanfiction. I also had a hard time with thorin but tried to end on a good happy note! This came out mighty serious!


	5. Hockey

Hockey

" What kind of things can you do in Canada, do you drink?" Dwalin asked me as we sat down to eat something. It had been a long day,

"Of course! It's one of our favorite pastimes, aside from Hockey" I grinned, forgetting that the dwarfs were aware of the typical Canadian Stereotype. Truth is, I hate hockey, I've always been more of a football fan.

" What is hockey?" Bofur asked placing his hate on my head. He could be Canadian. In fact I think most of them could, but Bofur's hat and fur on his boots made his fit the mold!

"Well hockey is a sport." I smiled looking at the group

"Like hunting?" Fili offered smoking on his pipe, at least he was trying to be helpful

" Not quite, but I guess similar. Some of the most 'popular' hockey is played by men, in a group called the NHL. In that group it's spilt into many teams. But if you play hockey in the NHL, the best way to describe it is a group of men skating around, chasing after circle that is flat on the top and bottom. They try to put it in a little net at the end of the rink, and that how they score."

" What's skating?" Ori asked

" What's a rink?" Kili asked again leaning in much closer than I would have liked.

" Well parasites… a rink is what you skate on" I said shoving him away, even for a dwarf, this one is odd. "A skating is being able to glide on ice, with a special pair of boots, they have blades on the bottom" I preferred this to explaining fanfiction.

" Like this?" Fili asked pulling out his sword

"Well yeah, if you're a speed Skater" I laughed "More like the size of a small dagger, but the blades are kept away from the shoes so you don't get cut."

"Is it easy to do?" Ori asked, now currently writing down what skating was.

"As easy as learning how to walk."

" And how do you get the circle into the net?" Balin asked

"WELL, it's called a puck, and you hit it with sticks. And sometimes each other simply because your male" I said receiving uproarish laughter from the group.

"What could sticks possibly do! This sport sounds impossible" Kili snickered looking to his brother who grinned.

"I'd love you see you try without fall on you behind on the ice Parasites!" I smirked "I bet I could out skate you, and you'd need a chair to even get around the rink!"

"why do you keep calling me that?" He pouted.

"Cuz my mother always said through a stone in a pack of Dwarves, and the one that barks the loudest is the one it hits"

"You never hit me with a stone" He asked confusedly, Thorin grinned because he caught what I was trying to say.

"Now did your mother say Dwarves?" He asked with a raised eyebrow

"No she said wolves," I shrugged not bothering to explain to Kili that when Bilbo said they had parasites(the stone) he was the one that protested the loudest. He has parasites… it explains the oddness.


	6. Valentine's Day Special

Valentine's Day

"Happy Valentine's Day!" Katie grinned bouncing over with a bushel of flowers in her hands. Probably stolen from Lord Elrond's garden.

" Yeah… I prefer to celebrate cheap chocolate day, or pancake day." I shrugged. I don't hate Valentine 's Day, I just don't really buy into it, but I love the cheap chocolate the day after the holiday.

"What's Valentine's day" Bombur asked " what's chocolate?" Bombur asked looking at me as I continued on my way.

"Chocolate is a sweet dessert that most women really love. It's creamy, but you can put things like nuts and stuff in it if you want. "

" Food… that women really like, you think my wife would like it, and it must be expensive." He noted the fact that I had said cheap.

"Well no… it's just the more expensive kind is really cheap" I smiled " Typically you can have chocolate at any point or give it, but your expected to give it with a little valentine."

" What's a valentine?" Fili asked looking over his shoulder at me. I liked this brother, he kept his distance and wasn't overly in my face, the other one however….

" Well the was a Man name Valentine, who used to marry roman soldiers to women, even though it was forbidden to do you. It's also rumored that he was jailed, he wrote to a woman, and signed the card Your Valentine, so now, we write little cards or poems to each other, saying things like I've been struck by cupid's arrow, will you be my Valentine?" I explained to the other Kili finally deciding to jump in

"Who's cupid?" He asked pulling out his own bow. Dork.

"Cupid is a toddler figure who shoots arrows at people's butt to make them fall in love with each other" I sighed at the dwarf. Could anyone truly be that simple?

" So If I shoot an arrow at your rear, then I can make you fall in love with anyone I want you to?" He asked.

" Yes….. but only if you do it wearing nothing but a diaper." I smirked as Fili started cracking up at the thought, I myself giggling because it was indeed funny. Kili however didn't seem to find it as funny as everyone else and promptly turned his back to us.

" So where did cupid come from?" Bombur asked me curiously

" I have no sweet clue " I shrugged " but of all the romance things we could invent. Cupid is the stupidest. "

"Valentine … what happened to him?" Thorin asked with a frown.

"He was put to death for his sins and now he's a saint. Celebrated for his martyrdom "I said proudly. I might not like modern Valentine's Day but I'm a sucker for a romance story.

"well then, he got what he deserved." Stupid not romantic dwarf.


End file.
